48. Jerusalem, 1998 - Litany of woes
In which Eleanor would rather just stay in her apartment and sleep.
Struggling to satisfy Francois, Eleanor questions her abilities.
Eleanor
16 April, 1998
While I seem to have managed to establish some sort of life here for myself outside of work, I feel more at sea and less competent at work than ever. Before, I always knew that if I just put my mind to it, I could do something well. But now I feel as if my mind is atrophying. Like I can’t think clearly. Excellence is no longer a priority for me. I find myself not caring and just wanting the day done. It’s an effort to drag myself to work in the morning. I come home as early as I can, eat something that doesn’t require cooking, and then go to bed early with the cats.
I don’t know if this is a reaction to other things, like frustrations with Francois. I don’t understand him sometimes. The moodiness is one thing. But I don’t know what he wants, what he expects me to be able to do. When he’s in a better mood he can be such a mentor and guide; but at other times I feel I’m not measuring up to some invisible standard. I also feel that sometimes he deliberately cuts me out. Like with the Palestinian Legislative Council today. It really got to me.
I had thought, selfishly?, that it was my project to begin with. Now he’s taken it over. And the Desk in Pretoria deals directly with him and I’m out of the loop. I do feel marginalized, however silly it may be.
And I can’t seem to get my contact work right either. I just don’t seem to have that ability to forget myself and just make acquaintances. I seem to lack the graciousness or something. I know I can be accused of arrogance, haughtiness. But what I really feel is nervousness. I feel terribly awkward thrusting myself towards people. I do feel vulnerable. So I tend to retreat and be reserved.
My sense of drive and willingness to engage in challenges has evaporated. I don’t know what I’m doing, or why I’m doing it, or if I’m even doing it okay. Francois is no help at all. The one person I want to talk to, I can’t. Even going for Sunday walks seems to take more energy than I have.
I’d rather just stay in the apartment and sleep.
Book Club returns
After a hiatus for ski season, Book Club returns March 22. 10am ET.
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